Language is slippery, is it not? Words mean one thing and then they don't. (Catfish. Myriad. Queer.) Terms are offensive and then they aren't (Humbug. Hussy. Queer.) And who (whom? whomst?) among us can track the story of why or how or when?
Defining affirming
When we named our organization "Affirming Quakers," we knew that the word affirm began as a commonplace verb with a general and usually legal usage.
Affirm |uh-FURM| v.
1. To state or assert positively.
2. To support by giving approval, recognition, or encouragement.
3. To show that it is true or exists.
Ever since the LGBTQ+ community and their allies adopted affirming as their own, affirm has a bit more flair. But as I read that old definition anew, I am struck by its inherent positivity. Wouldn't it be remarkable if just this original definition, even this alone, for all its boring-ish language, became the standard? It would be truly remarkable to imagine and celebrate a world where people:
demonstrate a positive approach to queer communities
support LGBTQ+ people by giving approval, recognition, and encouragement
recognize that LGBTQ+ people exist and always existed
Defining affirming (evolved)
No wonder this old definition, profound even in its banality, primed affirm to eventually belong to LGBTQ+ communities and their allies. Its meaning evolved and is evolving still, which is both the word's strength and its weakness. We learn the old lesson yet again: It is difficult to define anything—a word, a place, a person—in the midst of their evolving.
It is surprisingly difficult to find a good definition of affirming. Most of our trusted resources use affirming vocabulary without defining it. Religious resources tend to use it to broadly mean, "We allow LGBTQ+ weddings and participation" — a vast improvement over most churches, agreed, but is there something more comprehensive?
Join me in applauding, then, New York State's Administration for Children's Services, which provides the clearest language I have found. ACS lays out the core competencies for an affirming home in their foster care system.
According to ACS, an affirming home demonstrates three core competencies:
We welcome LGBTQ+ people and encourage them to live authentically in all aspects of life
We treat LGBTQ+ people with respect and dignity and require our affiliates to do the same
We diligently work to meet the unique needs of LGBTQ+ people and seek assistance when we are uncertain.
These competencies describe spaces that are intentional, protective, and celebratory. Within these spaces, people believe before they understand, and they support in the midst of confusion. They prioritize compassion over comprehension. They treat LGBTQ+ family members like non-LGBTQ+ family members, while simultaneously recognizing that their needs are also unique.
We have added this document to our AQ Database. In our wildest dreams, Affirming Quakers aspires to be such a place.
The double meaning of Affirming Quakers
One final, more subtle reason that we chose Affirming Quakers as our name: the word's double function. We are Quakers who affirm, but we also seek to affirm the Quaker way of being in the world—to confirm that it is still true and still exists.
In other words, Affirming Quakers is a way for us to explore whether Quakerism still has a place for us, as it so often made space for outsiders in the past. All four of our founders once belonged to evangelical Quaker spaces that ultimately found our affirming (!) theology unacceptable. Our contributions are no longer welcome in those spaces. Since it was Quaker leaders and communities who rebuilt their walls with us on the other side, it is healing to find a large part of Quakerism on the other side of those walls. And so: Affirming Quakers, with "affirming" as both an adjective and a participle (for my fellow grammar nerds). We are Quakers who affirm, but we can also now affirm that the Quaker way of being in the world is still true and still exists.
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