TW: Coming-out/Homophobia/Transphobia, Depression, Anxiety, Suicide
“When should I come out? Who do I need to come out to? When will it be safe for me to come out?”
These are questions that I asked myself many times before deciding on when and how to come out, and I am sure that many other LGBTQ+ individuals have asked themselves these same questions. The short answer to these questions about how and when to come out is that it can only happen on your timeline. If you are considering when to come out, know that only you can decide when it is the right time for you.
My coming out experience
When I first discovered that I was bisexual and when I entered a queer relationship that I wished to share with the people who were important to me, I had an experience similar to many other LGBTQ+ individuals. However, as someone who was raised in a Christian home and is surrounded by many Christians, I had many things to consider when it came to coming out.
First, I had to consider what would be the best way to come out. I did not feel that it would be best for me and my relationships to make a social media post that let everyone close to me find out on their own that I was bisexual. That works for some people, but it was not my best option. Eventually, once my closest friends and family knew, I did make a post on social media sharing it with everyone else. But initially, I had to decide how it would be best to come out to the people closest to me. Letting each person know individually felt like the best option for me.
Then I had to decide when I was going to come out. There were many factors for me that helped me determine when the right time for me would be to come out. COVID-19 had a huge impact on my story which I don’t have time to go into today. It’s important to have a timeline goal in mind, but it is also important to make sure that goal is flexible if it isn’t feeling safe for you to come out by then.
I also had to make sure I had support for when things might not go positively in my coming out experience. As I mentioned, I was surrounded by Christians who I was aware might not be 100% supportive of me as an LGBTQ+ individual. This is why many LGBTQ+ individuals plan to come out to the people they know will be a support to them first.
Many LGBTQ+ individuals struggle with their mental health through the process of coming out. I was already feeling depressed and struggling with anxiety as I approached this life-changing experience. Before coming out, I wanted to make sure that I was on medication that would help me manage some of the huge emotions I was feeling during this time. I worked with my doctor on what was best for me. I also began going to therapy before coming out and continued through the process. After coming out, I went through a period of experiencing intense suicidal thoughts that I had not experienced before. Being in therapy and on medication was crucial to my survival during this time. I also relied heavily on my partner and the people closest to me to check in and make sure I was okay on a daily basis.
Resources
Thankfully, there now are many resources available for helping guide you through the process of figuring out when to come out. One of my favorite examples is The Trevor Project’s Coming Out Handbook. Complete with helpful graphics and maps, this page breaks down all of the areas you might consider about yourself when thinking about coming out, such as gender identity, sexual orientation, emotional attraction, etc. It also has helpful questions to guide you through the timing of coming out and to consider the support you have around you. They also list helpful resources if you are struggling with your mental health through the process of coming out. I would 10/10 recommend this resource. There are also some helpful articles on the Human Rights Campaign resources page for LGBTQ+ individuals and allies.
Unashamed: A Coming-Out Guide for LGBTQ Christians by Amber Cantorna is another resource that was instrumental for me in my coming out process. This book is Amber’s story of coming out from her perspective as the daughter of someone who is high up in a well known Christian organization. She also did a podcast episode titled, “On Coming Out with Amber Cantorna” with Matthais Roberts on Queerology: A Podcast on Belief and Being (also 10/10 recommend this podcast). This episode was in March of 2019 so you might have to scroll.
How to support someone through coming out
I look forward to the day that LGBTQ+ individuals no longer feel they have to “come out” or explicitly share their sexual or gender identities. I am hopeful for a time when people will be able to just be who they are and love who they love and not have to feel they need to announce their sexuality or gender identity. But we have a lot of work to do. In the meantime, here is how you can support people close to you when they are going through the process of coming out.
When they come out to you, offer your explicit support and love. No other words should come out of your mouth before you tell them you love and support them regardless, but also that you love and support them because of who they are.
Check in regularly. Chances are, if you are someone who is an openly supportive ally, they came out to you first because they knew they would be safe with you. They likely have more people to come out to and will need support through that time. A text or phone call can help significantly in helping them feel like they are not alone.
Stand up for them. If they choose to come out via social media, watch their comment sections. Report negative comments and maybe even reply to them, asking that individual to not say anything if they can’t be supportive. Make sure you have the permission of the person coming out, however, to make comments on your behalf, via social media or irl.
Be creative with your allyship. Think of what would best help your friend or family member during their experience of coming out. The best allies in my life are explicit with their support and not just behind closed doors or in private messages. Make your allyship public.
Above all, it comes down to the right time for you
Not to sound like Smokey Bear, but only you can decide when the time is right to come out. This experience will likely be life changing. I came out when it was best for me and when I had the right support behind me and at the end of the day I can live with knowing that I was the one that made that choice for myself.
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