This week’s blog post is on a topic that is near and dear to my heart, as well as to all of us at Affirming Quakers. This week I’m writing to discuss chosen family.
The term “chosen family” is used often in the LGBTQ+ community. You may think to yourself, “You can’t choose your family, you get what you get.” But many times, Queer folk miss out on dealing with a crazy Aunt Susie when their families disown them because of their gender or sexual identity. This may not seem like a bad thing, but many of us would give anything to have what many other straight individuals automatically have built in.
My story is kind of an anomaly, as my family was mostly supportive when I came out. For the most part, everyone took the news well and welcomed my relationship with Madi. There were a few rough patches, but I’m lucky to have had it much better than many.
What is Chosen Family?
Chosen family is a term for the people who choose to love you like family, especially during experiences such as coming out. To a queer person, their chosen family could be someone who took them in after they felt abandoned by their biological family. It could be someone they met on the internet but never in person. It could be a group on social media with similar experiences.
These may seem insignificant to a person who regularly talks to their mom or dad, siblings, cousins, grandparents, or aunts and uncles, but to someone who has lost their support system, it can make all the difference. When Queer folk are cut off from their family, the need for a familial connection doesn’t disappear, it multiplies. The need to know someone loves you for who you are and accepts your identity is instrumental in survival for many people.
I’m lucky to be in contact with my mom and dad nearly every day. They love my wife and I fiercely. My chosen family showed up in addition to my biological family. They celebrated Madi and I as we came out and celebrated our wedding. Because of our chosen family, both biological and not, we have been able to make it through the hard times and create a beautiful life.
How can I become someone’s chosen family?
The first step in being someone’s chosen family is to be an open and visible ally. Cindy mentioned this in her blog post recently and it rings true for this topic as well. Visible allyship allows queer people to know someone is a safe place to come out to, discuss hardships, or just do life with. Another way to become someone’s chosen family is to reach out and let them know you support them. After I came out, it seemed like people came out of the woodwork to text me, message me on social media, or catch me at the grocery store to share their support and love for me. These people became guests at our wedding and have continued to support us through our lives. For a Queer person in crisis after losing familial support, a simple text goes further than you could imagine to make them feel seen and loved.
Family is expected to love you through thick and thin, the good and bad. However, some aren’t so lucky to have family members built-in who will love and accept them no matter what. This is why chosen family is so important. If you are a family member who loves your queer niece, nephew, grandchild, cousin, sister, brother, son, or daughter unconditionally: thank you. If you are someone who has stepped in to fill a cousin, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or parent role for someone you aren’t blood-related to: thank you.
Welcome to the Affirming Quakers’ chosen family. Wherever you are in your journey of coming out or being an ally, you are loved, supported, wanted, and needed on this earth.
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