Our fourth objective at Affirming Quakers is to train allies in active, courageous, and creative allyship. On this page, you will find four principles that guide our understanding of allyship, followed by the "Ally Starter Pack": actions that angle you toward queer folks to communicate that they are not alone.
We are especially interested in celebrating and supporting allies who are in nonaffirming spaces, which creates a seemingly impossible situation: allyship (by definition) requires visibility and action, but homophobia and transphobia often bluster, threaten, or even punish acts of visibility.
Four Principles of Allyship
Being an ally is full of joy and celebration
Being an ally means being a part of the best community in the world. Nowhere else will you find support, love, or laughter like this. Nowhere else will you find such grace. LGBTQ+ folks literally cross oceans for their people.
Usually when people think of allyship, they think of the risk. And they're right: there is often a cost. It pales in comparison, however, to the joy and celebration that I've found in the beloved community, not to mention the freedom that comes from living an authentic life.
It is unreasonable to ask LGBTQ+ folks to bear all the risk
When a person "comes out," it is usually after months (years? decades?) of deliberation. This moment of visibility and "disclosing" can be a life-changing experience, but it often means trading one set of risks for another. Madi has written movingly about what it is like to be targeted and excluded from spaces that once felt like home.
Being an ally means bearing some of that risk on queer folks' behalf. We can't take all of it, but even small acts of visibility can ease enormous burdens. Solidarity can literally be life-saving.
No one stands alone
Being an ally means resolving that in small and large moments, no one stands alone. This resolve can include big moments, like standing in for a missing family member at a wedding. Just as important, however, are the smaller moments, like in a heated discussion where another ally is defending the LGBTQ+ community and needs just one other person to simply say, "She's right" or "I agree with him." No one stands alone, ever. Steadfast solidarity is at the center of allyship.
Being an ally means being visible
Invisible or private allyship has little value to LGBTQ+ folks or other allies. In fact, it can even be harmful when your behind-the-scenes support withers in the harsh light of public settings, leaving them stranded. Being an ally doesn't require you to become an activist, but it does require some sort of visibility.
The Ally Starter Pack
With these principles in mind, here are four quiet yet immediate steps that visibly communicate to queer folks that you are in their corner (and secondarily, to clarify to nonaffimring people that their numbers are dwindling). Queer folks can parse social cues with the precision of a tenured scholar parsing Greek verbs, but there are simple things we can do that make it a bit easier for them to find us:
1. Use your pronouns.
Put your pronouns in your social media bios or announce them when you introduce yourself. Just when I begin to think this step is unnecessary and purely performative, I will announce my pronouns on the first day of the semester and then receive an email from an LGBTQ+ student stating their thankfulness. It matters. Plus, using your pronouns is a good first step to correctly using others' pronouns.
2. Learn to say the LGBTQ+ acronym.
There are lots of acronyms. We use LGBTQ+. New Avenues for Youth (the recipients of our Gifts of Pride event) use LGBTQIA2S+. My professional society, the Society of Biblical Literature, uses LGBTIQ. Pick one and learn it. Say it aloud until your tongue stops stumbling (I practiced saying it in my car, over and over). Never make it a joke: "LGBT,ABCDEFG,HAHAHAHA" or "alphabet soup."
3. Use tech for good.
Follow social media accounts that normalize the lives of LGBTQ+ people. Like and comment on their posts, again and again. If you have their phone number and they cross your mind, text them and tell them—again—how much you love them and how proud you are of them. You can bet that they will always need to hear those words.
4. Capitalize on small moments.
Resolve to make small but supportive comments in moments when someone else is taking a stand.
"He's right."
"I feel the same."
"This also happened to me."
"I don't want to interrupt because she's doing great, but I agree."
These moments of solidarity can do more than share the risk: they can actually erase it.
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